How an FBI Negotiator Taught Me to Win at Life
January 22, 2025
After coming back from a very leisurely vacation, reality hit hard: laundry piles, unpacking chaos, and the task of setting up my new electric toothbrush (courtesy of Secret Santa). While assembling what felt like the Tesla of toothbrushes—and wondering if my Secret Santa was trying to send a message about my oral hygiene—I decided to multitask and listen to Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss.
But the real shocker came when I tackled the under-the-sink organizer my wife had bought. To her amazement, I assembled it in a jiffy. She watched, stunned, as I deftly put together something she was convinced would require her intervention. That’s when I had to come clean: I’d been faking incompetence for 33 years, playing up my “artsy” persona—the guy who writes poetry, sings, dances, and climbs trees to trim bushes. But apparently, all I’d needed was an FBI negotiator in my ears to unlock my inner handyman.
What I learned wasn’t just about hostage negotiation. It was about winning at life’s daily battles—from household chores to managing relationships. Hostages? Sure. But could these skills work in day-to-day life, where negotiations happen over everything from who does the dishes to who controls the TV remote? Absolutely—and with some hilarity.
Here are the lessons I picked up, applied to everyday situations:
- Mirroring
Repeat their words to build rapport.
Teenager: “I can’t believe you won’t let me borrow the car!
”You: “You can’t believe I won’t let you borrow the car?
”Teenager: “Yeah, it’s so unfair!
”You: “It’s unfair?
”After three rounds of this, they’ll either feel so understood they give up or forget why they were angry. - Labeling
Call out their emotions.
Spouse: “Why didn’t you take the trash out?”
You: “It sounds like you’re upset about the trash.”
Suddenly, the trash becomes secondary to how insightful you are. - Accusation Audit
Own the hate upfront.
To a friend you’re running late for: “I know you’re thinking I’m always late, that I don’t respect your time, and that I’ll probably do this again. You’re not wrong.”
They can’t yell at you after that level of self-awareness. - Tactical Empathy
Pretend to care, but in a useful way.
Neighbor: “Your dog keeps digging up my garden.”
You: “I can see how frustrating that must be.”
They still hate your dog, but they feel heard, which is a win. - The ‘No’ Technique
Ask irresistible questions.
“Would it be crazy to suggest we order pizza instead of cooking tonight?”
Crazy? No! Let’s order pizza. - The Calibrated Question
Make them solve the problem.
Kids: “Why can’t we go to Disneyland this summer?”
You: “How am I supposed to plan a trip when no one’s doing their chores?”
Now they’re cleaning the house faster than you ever could. - The FM DJ Voice
Stay calm and smooth.
Boss: “We need this report by 5 p.m.”
You (in a soothing tone): “Of course, I’ll make it a priority.”
Your calm demeanor makes them forget they’re asking for the impossible. - Anchoring
Start with a bold number.
Negotiating a raise? “I’d like a 30% increase.”
They’ll counter with 15%, but that’s still a win. - The Black Swan
Find their hidden motivation.
Car salesperson: “This is the best price we can offer.”
You: “I noticed you’re trying to clear this model for next year’s inventory.”
Suddenly, they “find” a better deal. - Never Split the Difference
No compromises.
Your partner wants to vacation in the mountains, but you want the beach. Instead of meeting in the middle with some random lake destination, you say, “How about we do the beach this year and the mountains next year?” Now you’ve secured the sand and the peace. Never Split the Difference showed me that negotiation isn’t just a skill—it’s an art. Whether you’re haggling with your kids, convincing your boss, or angling for extra guac without paying extra, these strategies can turn the tide in your favor.
Now, armed with FBI-level tactics, I’m ready to negotiate my way to victory—even if it’s just winning the remote!